Wednesday, May 28, 2008


A while back, I had the most intense dream about C. It was unlike any dream I've ever had. I remember some very small details and feelings I had, yet it still feels like a blur. We met on some grassy hillside, and laughed and talked. Then it began to rain. He had just bought a new car (a black Honda), and we were running errands in it. In the different stores, around corners where no one could see, we kept stealing kisses. Every kiss made me melt, and at one point I told him that his kisses made me weak in the knees, and that no one has had that effect on me since I was 15. That was sort of like a real conversation he and I once had, except I told him that he made me feel giddy like I was 14, and then later in that conversation, we kissed for the first time. But the feeling was the same, one of complete bliss. On one errand, he bought me flowers. The illicitness of our encounters must still have been present, because I got "mad" at him for getting me flowers, as I would have to make up an excuse as to why I had received them, as I am not one to ever have flowers around. I think the next destination was to go somewhere to make love, but in the dream I received a phone call, and I think whoever was on the line was reminding me of something I was late for, and then I woke up. I remember looking to the other side of the bed, and then to the phone to see the time - a half hour before I was to be at work. I didn't want to forget the dream, as I so often do, so I texted C to tell him that I had just woken up from a dream about him - I knew he'd ask about it later, which would help me remember. I woke up smiling, curled up with several blankets, warm and happy as I reveled in the memory of the dream, then increasingly more sad as I had to get up out of bed, and when the realization hit that these feelings will never come to pass, which was about the same time that I had to walk out in the cold. Some people just have a way of getting to me, and I'll never understand it. I guess I just miss feeling like that.

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